But I want to believe....

When one person suffers from a delusion it is called insanity; when many people suffer from a delusion it is called religion. Robert Pirsig

I was reading Richard Hawkins the other day ( I love the way he writes, always with a sarcastic punch and of course without apologies). It made me realise the huge progress I have made over the last 15 months (or so). Before I would have considered reading his books as a deadly sin! I would of made a little ritual, dance around his writings and put them on the fire while I sang kingdom melodies.... well maybe not quite as bad, but I'd of called him insane for not believing in the supernatural, particularly in the one god: Jehovah. And if I want to be more precise, about not having the 'truth' in his heart (which only belongs to the "always right" Jehovah's witnesses group).

Anyway, it is amazing how many little (but steady) steps have taken me so far from my own delusion of believing I had free will to do and believe whatever I wanted, when in reality I was trapped and very much a slave of other people's interpretations and enormous errors.

I can't say I have arrived to the place where I am fully comfortable with my beliefs. I am absorbing as much knowledge and experiences as humanly possible (sometimes I feel socially stunted if you know what I mean....). I guess right now, my position is of serious skepticism about the believe of a supernatural god, you could say I tend to believe as an agnostic but with a strong inclination to atheism. My faith (because I have one), is in human kindness and progress.

However... one thing I have discovered about myself, a tiny part of me still wants to believe. I want to believe that when I close my eyes for the last time in this body my thoughts and experiences (consciousness??) will continue to exist . There is no proof that's possible and the possibilities of such a thing are very unlikely. Nevertheless, that small portion of me hasn't given up yet to my logical thirsty mind.

But you can't prove it!
I know
But it is very unlikely
I know
Would it change things?
I don't know, but I think, I just think I want to believe

The Weekend

I had a wonderful weekend, I felt relaxed, loved and in a most wonderful high. A step towards healing.

Added later: I loved you, I love you

Be true to yourself

Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it

I read that quote yesterday, by Hardy D. Jackson - I tried to learn more about the author but I couldn't find much about him.

One of the hardest things is being true to myself. To fully understand my values, to love what I do and being honest about what I believe.

I am afraid of letting go of traditions and places that have made me felt secure for so long, even when I know they are only damaging my personal development. It is hard to let go and it is a very thin line between not caring at all and caring enough about what other people think, about being accepted and loved.

I know it was a brave step when I made my decision to leave the high control group (Jehovah's witnesses); since then, I have been taking small steps to be at peace with myself. I want to be free to love this life and this world without fear.

I am spending too much time, energy and effort in not being 'found out', Why? Why don't I just take myself out of it? Will I ever do it? I don't wish to keep hiding.

And the question remains, how far am I willing to go to be true to myself?

A bit of running and sun makes it all better

The weekend was wonderful apart from a small incident. I laughed so much and I understood I will get through this.

It was sunny and I was able to get two runs of 3 miles, 1 x Sat and 1 x Sun. I wanted to to do a longer run but I was feeling tired and my head was pounding with a horrible headache, especially on Saturday, that by the way I still have.

On the bright side, we had a lovely BBQ on Sunday. It was sunny and the day deserved to have one, so we went and got our little BBQ for 20Euro in Heatons, some beef, sausages and chicken and we ate it all! We had a close and real friend that came to see us and it was really enjoyable.

The incident on Sunday. Before we left to town to buy the BBQ 'stuff', two people from the 'congregation' of Jehovah's witnesses came over to see us (M & E), one of them holds a position in the group as an Elder and insisted again that they will come and visit us to 'strenghten' us. I do not like that and I am not sure for how long I will be able to put up with the nagging. I only do it for his family.

On Monday, it dawn to me that I did not longer have any friends, it just really hit me. I need to start again. New beginnings. New friendships. Although it scares me sometimes I know it is the only choice I would make.

New Friendships. All in the name of running

How do I feel today? I want to answer that question as often as I can so I can look back at my log and be able to see the progress (if any) that I have made.

I feel tired and sleep deprived; I haven’t been able to sleep properly for the past few days. The weekend was an emotional roller coaster – finally accepting I have to move on and leave those ‘friends’ in the group behind, being so upset didn’t help me sleep well.

I made plans to go for a run today with a friend from work – she has been of great support and only hope she is one of those friends that stay with you through the years.

My plan is to do 10 laps of 400m each at an easy pace, I am seriously lacking energy but I don’t want to pass on my run today.

I am a positive person and I know that the feeling of sadness and hurt that I now feel won’t last forever, nothing does. I am really looking forward to the day when I can truly say it is over. They have no control over me anymore. I am free. I will run.

My Meaning: James Blunt - Tears and Rain Lyrics

Commenting this song because it hits a nerve every single time I hear it.

How I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing.

What a better way to start all over again? Completely surrender who I think I am and by doing so, becoming who I am longing to be. The many lies that made me form opinions, lose friends and mold the way I have perceived the world around me.

How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.

What I thought was the bad-gunky in my life (the world and the people in it) didn't turn out to be it. My light was really the real darkness, my eyes were completely shut and my many doubts buried for countless days. After many years believing, it has all been shattered. And in a less abstract way, I chose to be a cold religious person on many occasions, instead of choosing the 'darkness' of the world.

I guess it's time I run far, far away;
find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.

It's all falling into place now. All exciting new directions, new intense emotions and excruciating emotional and spiritual pain at times. But it's all the same, I am working hard for my freedom.

Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

Sometimes it feels there are two very conscious personas of me. I can't completely leave my old self and all that I had. I want them to leave me alone, I don't want to hide any longer.

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.

When will the understanding and complete acceptance happen? Can I grab tightly to the good memories?

How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.

What is the real choice? Do I even have a choice? I am afraid of the many things I don't understand. For the first time in my life uncertainty is constantly there, reminding me I can no longer be sure of anything. I want to embrace this change.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.

I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.

It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.
Tears and Rain.
Tears and Rain.

Running in my quest for Freedom

I run because I like the feeling of freedom I get from it.

Because when I am out there it is just me, the road, the grass, the wind and the cool breeze.

I love the smile I can feel drawing in my face in the last mile when I know I have accomplished what I wanted.

I have felt so lonely in the last while that I also run to find (and keep) my sanity.

I know how blessed and how lucky I am to have realised the amazing mental freedom I can enjoy but it is not easy. I run to forget.

I have lost all my friends since I have been trying to break away from a high control group (Jehovah's witnesses) and I run because I am afraid that if I don't I will lose myself completely.

I run in my fight to never go back.

I have never experienced this sense of freedom before (even if it's just a glimpse), of having the right to control my emotions and thoughts, although now they are scrambled and messed, I know they are mine and it is only me who has the right to sort them out. No directives, no traditions, no indoctrinations, no more lies.

My only regret: I wish I had started this journey earlier, a long way lies ahead of me. I will finish. I always do.

Wild Horses by Natasha Bedingfield

I see the girl I wanna be
Riding bare back, care free along the shore
If only that someone was me
Jumping head first headlong without a thought
To act and damn the consequence
How I wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but, not feel scared...